| |
| |
|
Parenting Information |
|
|
|
Labeling is Disabling: Achieving Congruent Communication
A small town, somewhere in the world, was managed by a town council of seven or eight members. The council normally met once a week. One member - let's call him Bill - would invariably stroll intothe council chamber exactly ten minutes after the time scheduled for the meeting. For Bill's fellow councilors, this seemingly inconsiderate practice was very disruptive. At first, since Bill was known to be an extremely busy professional, they were prepared to assume that he had been unavoidably delayed. But when history repeated itself meeting after meeting, they began to wonder.. Then one day, the sleepy little town was overtaken by a crisis, and the mayor asked his councilors to attend an emergency session - at 7 the following morning. And you guessed it - Bill turned up at 7:10 precisely. This seemed to confirm the mayor's suspicion's that something more than unavoidable circumstances lay behind Bill's habitual latecoming. After the meeting he called over the offending councilman for a private chat. To the mayor's surprise, Bill accepted the rebuke with good grace. Punctuality had never been his strongest point, he pleaded, and it had never dawned on him that his bad habit was upsetting everybody so. But from this point, he assured the mayor, he was a reformed man... The day of the next council gathering came around, and sure enough, Bill was among the first to arrive. "What's the matter Bill?" jeered one of his colleagues "Is your watch half an hour fast?" "Surely, you were locked out of your house!" added a second, in a somewhat derisive tone. Right until the end of his term of office, Bill was never on time for a council meeting again. ********* This is a story that actually happened, although I have changed some of the details. Three or four decades ago, an educational psychologist by the name of Haim Ginott caused quite a stir when he suggested to parents and teachers that they try a new way of communicating with children. He urged them to unlearn the language of rejection - blaming and shaming, ridiculing and belittling, threatening and bribing - and to learn a new language of acceptance. In his bestselling books, Ginott repeatedly wrote about the need for "congruent communication." By this, he meant that the way we communicate should be congruent, or consistent, with our objective. What a pity that so much of our communication isn't! We see this clearly from our story. Had his colleagues given Bill some badly needed encouragement in breaking a difficult habit, everybody would have come out a winner. But instead of drawing him near, they pushed him away. Before taking up psychology, Ginott had been an elementary school teacher, first in Israel and then in the USA. But he was not happy, for he realized that his professional training had not equipped him well for the cold realities of the classroom. "I tried to teach my students to be polite," he complained, "and they were rude; to be neat, and they were messy; to be cooperative, and they were disruptive!" What, then, was the problem? Could it be, he apparently asked himself, that he was the problem? Was he relating to his young charges correctly? Or was he, quite unwittingly, pushing them into them into the same corner into which Bill had been pushed by his colleagues on the town council? How, he asked himself further, does a teacher react if a guest comes to her classroom and forgets her umbrella? Does he run after her and say: "What's the matter with you? Every time you come to visit you forget something. Next time, you'll forget your head! Why can't you be like your sister? She's a responsible person.." For sure, he will say nothing more than "Here's your umbrella." That's it. But nobody knows why a teacher (or a parent) has to assume the role of a judge, or a prophet, when he or she is addressing a child. A wise person knows that to label a person is to disable him. This applies especially in the case of young children, whose minds are like wet cement. The diagnosis may become the disease. A child may often live up to his parent or teacher's negative prediction. But that's not all. What do you do when feel you're the target of verbal abuse? Normally, you answer back. You give as good as you get. But what if you're powerless to defend yourself against one who insults or belittles you? At the very least, you'd try to immunize yourself against any further verbal barbs and stings. You'd begin to seal off your mind. Labeling, or any kind of negative name-calling, is not only a way to make personal enemies. It is one of the deadliest enemies of communication itself. Through it - and I am choosing my words carefully - parents or teachers could lose their children forever. We want to place our children in at atmosphere in which learning can thrive and creativity can flourish. We want them to prepare themselves for mature and responsible adulthood. We dare not shut the door in their faces. "Fine," you might say, "but how do we do things the right way?" It's a complex subject, but here's a simple illustration: In the best of schools, it sometimes happens that two classmates insist on striking up a conversation precisely when their teacher needs their undivided attention - for example, when he is about to assign homework. Here are two short sound bytes from two different schools. Teacher A: "Shut up - or else! You guys belong in a reformatory." Teacher B: "I need to assign homework now. I cannot do it unless there is absolute quiet!" Who is the more effective communicator? You be the judge! Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.
MORE RESOURCES:
Parenting - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How to Teach Anger Management to Your Child Most of us recognize the continuing escalation of violence around us, due to intolerance, and many of us blame it on somebody else. Parents teach their children, all the time, and when one of us displays "road rage," while our child is in the car, we teach a brand new skill set. From Childrens Stories to Study Skills: Help Your Children Succeed in School IntroductionAs a parent who wants the best for your children, there are undoubtedly many things that you already do every day to help your children succeed in school. The purpose of this article is to provide some practical ideas for you to try. The Seven Keys of Being a Father Is there a fathering instinct?Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson maintains that adults have a fierce desire to protect and nurture the next generation. This is the generative nature of parenting- to nurture and protect the next generationWe recognise this desire in women as the maternal instinct. Selecting A Quality Day Care Center Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care center to care for their child during the workday. We've listed important aspects of a daycare center's environment to evaluate when making your choice: Staff to Child Ratio. End Homework Battles Ask parents what their biggest school year challenge is, and you'll likely hear that it is the difficulty they face in getting their kids to do homework. With so many other attractive ways for kids to spend their time, getting them to buckle down and complete that extra bit of schoolwork can be like pulling teeth. Child Education The initial state of happiness about an own child is often overcome with annoyance after even a short period of time. Children quickly grow an own personality, and it's the most vital task of the parents to help develop it and give it a shape. Baby Name Meanings Speaking as a Michael (a Hebrew name, meaning "Who is like God"), I'm really proud of my name. And I think that I - mostly - live up to the title! Of course, my mother would probably disagree; I think the phrase "little devil" would probably pass her lips if she was describing me during many stages of my childhood. Mothers Day Tribute As Mother's Day approaches I would like to give a different perspective to ponder.Being a parent and a mother are not necessarily the same. Building Your Childs Self-Esteem According to researchers, most children enter school with a good sense of self-esteem (at least as defined by psychologists) and yet leave high school with a poor sense of self-esteem. What happens in those years between starting school and finishing school? If we are to define self-esteem as "having feelings of worth or value," then people with adequate levels of self-esteem should display a sense of realistic confidence in their abilities and performance. Delightful Defrazzlers I will cherish this moment. I will not let it slip away like sand between my fingers. Paediatric Osteopathy All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't sleeping or is just plain irritable, many parents have found that a paediatric osteopath can help, particularly if the birth was difficult.By gently touching a baby, an osteopath can use manipulation to ease the tension and help improve the way baby's body functions. Stop Lying NOW Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying to you, even though he or she is normally a "good" child? Sometimes the lies are even about things that don't really matter or your child continues to lie in the face of overwhelming proof to the contrary?It is my firm belief that we will not end lying behavior in our children until we take away the consequences for telling the truth. This is a concept explored in greater detail within Nancy Buck's book, Peaceful Parenting®. Shopping with Children Is your weekly shopping trip with the kids an absolute chore ! or are you happy to take them along?Lots of moms don't have any choice in the matter, if they don't own a car it can be sheer agony waiting at bus stops then struggling on and off buses with kids and a pushchair.Gone are the days when a helping hand was offered, and if the bus is full, no gallant young man will jump up and offer his seat to the harassed mom. Give Your Child Life Skills for a Lifetime Many parents struggle with solutions to put their child on the fast track to success, and one such solution is not usually far from home. It is your local martial arts school. Water Hazards For Young Children Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools, other bodies of water, and standing water around the home area. Children must be watched by an adult at all times when in or near water. Parenting: The Road I Chose Tripping over the shoes and toys that seem to clutter my living room floor on a constant basis, just seems to be part of the game of parenting. I realize it doesn't have to be that way. How to Stop Bad Behavior Before it Starts Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any other aspect of parenting, can cause stress, family disfunction, and a general loss of harmony in your home. Over time, negative behavior cycles can become ingrained in a family's way of interacting with each other 1. 5 Solid Reasons: Why Your Child Can Be An Achiever All of us, including your child, entered this world equipped with a super-computer that can be programmed to achieve almost anything.We all have what it takes to function at optimum level--to be the best student, to be the best in our career, and to function efficiently in every area of our life. Single Parents: Give Yourselves Credit Single parents are not often thought of as good parents.I became acutely aware of this fact when my children were young and I was dealing with the challenges of being a single mom. Aptitude, Achievement, Processing Deficit - What Does It All Mean? You are sitting with the professionals who know about learning disabilities. They have been explaining what they will be looking for when they test your child.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
.jpg)